Boy howdy, is there a rancid gush of New Year's Resolution banter and whimsy on the blogosphere right now. It's not surprising, given that we've just bid adieu to 2011 with a single salty tear running down our fat-handed attempts at milky Zooey Deschanel palour.

Personally, I've learned my lesson from the last decade of making totally unsustainable promises to myself just because it happens to be the one day of the year when everybody else does. I won't be partaking in twice-daily Zumba or volunteering at a rabid dog colony or shucking back wheatgrass with every meal. But having taken the opportunity to reflect on my life, there are two simple things I would like to do:

1) Effectively halve my intake of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate. Perhaps get that shit down to one family size block a week.

2) Let go of the maniacal iron fist of fear that controls my blogging habits, and start updating regularly for public consumption (or public apathy, whichever it works out to be). Kim Jong Il is dead yo, it's been ages since Poland was invaded and even Maggie Thatcher has chilled out and moved to the beach with a bitters in her hand. What's the worst that could happen? Some pimply teenage Vancouver groover takes exception to my opinion on black metal? Whatever. A bloke from work discovers I have tattoos under all those floral cardigans? Big deal. A fake-tanned mop handle with a series of near-identical 'selfie' pics in her Facebook albums decides I'm not that interesting? Well yeah, so's yer duck face.

So here I am. Freshly resolved to punish y'all with feverish frequency. Come at me, 2012.